Early on in the diagnosis stage I was forced to go in for the dreaded bone marrow test. You know the test (and if you don't then you're lucky). It's the test where a needle the length of your arm with the diameter of a turkey baster gets shoved down into the back side of your hip, chips off a piece of your bone, and sucks out some marrow. Ever since this experience I wince when I watch the food network and someone talks about the succulent taste of a calf's marrow. Poor little cow. I do still love a good hamburger though. But I digress...
My family (made up of mom, dad, sister, and myself) were all headed to the doctor's office together. For a reason that I don't remember, we drove in two separate cars and I rode with my big sister. She's three years older than me and for most of our lives I looked up to her and wanted to be around her and her friends whenever I could. Not just because they were "older ladies" but because I thought my sister was the coolest. She, however, saw me for what I probably was, an annoying little brother. It wasn't until just before my fight with cancer began that we had started to become close and, as you conquerors of cancer will begin to learn, now that I faced the possibility of walking into the light a little sooner than we had all hoped, she had become my biggest cheerleader which she was qualified for as she was the cheer captain at her high school back in the day.
There was a lot of traffic that day as we drove from our house to Scripps pavilion, our hospital. My sister and I were talking and enjoying our drive together as much as anyone could knowing what was about to happen to precious bones in the next fifteen minutes. As we got closer to our exit from the main road into the parking lot of Scripps the traffic got a little heavier. My sister, sensing her need to get over two lanes to our exit, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, tightened her grip, leaned forward squinted her eyes as she began to figure out how she would weave through traffic and get us to our destination. We had gone from relaxing drive to a mission based objective in less than 30 seconds.
We were about one block from our exit when she saw what should have been an opening to our final lane. Like any good California driver, my sister put on her blinker and checked her mirrors and blind spot. Just as she was about to make her move the man in our desired lane that we would now in be front of decided he didn't want us there. He, like the other drivers in California, sped up just enough to keep us from getting in and stayed just slow enough that he wouldn't pass us or let us see his face. And then it happened. Our block came and we were not in left hand turn lane when it did. We arrived at the traffic light one lane shy of completing our mission all because some guy didn't want to lose the unspoken race to different locations. But it was more than that to my sister. This man had not just kept us from passing. For her he represented opposition to my life. He was trying to keep her brother from living (I wish I could say I were adding dramatics here) and she was going to let him know it!
Unfortunately for him, the traffic light was red and our cars were stopped on the line side by side. My older sis prepared for battle as she rolled down her window. She was so pumped that she didn't wait for it to open as she began to lay into the rude motorist. She also didn't recognize that his windows were not open.
"Do you realize we needed to turn here!?", she yelled. "My brother is dying and you're keeping him from getting the treatment he needs! It's because of people like you that this world is so jacked up!! Now were going to be late and it's all your fault. Look at him don't you see how sick my brother is!?"
I don't think the man ever heard a word but he got the message. His response was a simple one finger gesture as the light turned green and he drove off. We didn't miss our appointment. As a matter of fact we just pulled into the second entrance that was less than 1/2 a block after the first. But something significant happened that day.
My sister, who couldn't physically fight what was happening inside my body, was doing whatever she could to fight for my life. For her the battle was found by driving me to the hospital for a bone marrow test I didn't want to have. For others it was shaving their heads in my honor. And still for others it was allowing me to attend school just for the social aspect so that I could feel normal. Today you should cheer up knowing that you are not alone. People all over this world have got your back. No they don't feel what you're feeling and no they can't truthfully say they understand but they do want you to win.
That's why they walk marathons, wear ribbons, golf, pray, and even write blogs about cancer. It's their way of being a part of the battle with you.
Today you can cheer up because you're not alone in your fight. People you don't even know are fighting with you. So if someone cuts you off on the way to your next doctors appointment, write down their license number and let me know. I'll call my big sister and she'll do her part too.
#4 - Who Needs Liposuction? I Got Adriamycin!
Let's start from the beginning. I'll never forget 3rd grade during recess while playing tether ball. I was in the middle of a smoking game and probably winning when suddenly no one seemed to be keeping score. Kids on every side of the circle were laughing and pointing. Where were they pointing? Everyone of their dirty little fingers was pointed straight at me. Why were they pointing? It wasn't because of my tether ball skills. While I was focused on winning my game, the zipper on my shorts was fighting a losing battle against the power of gravity.
The "open barn door" is a common occurrence on any playground so you wouldn't think this would be a life shattering moment for me. It probably wouldn't have been except that it was chronic issue in my young life. In order to understand where we're headed today you must first understand that I was kind of a chubby kid. Okay I'm kind of a chubby adult too and I'm good with that...now. My zipper was positionally challenged because my shorts were too small. My shorts were too small because my stomach was too big. My mom had been teaching me hold in my stomach but I hadn't quite mastered this intro to belly hiding technique.
So what does any of this have to do with cheering up? Weight is on everyone's mind all the time. We see what we're supposed to look like on TV, in magazines, and on the dummies that display the outfitses we want buy in the stores we shop at (The same outfits are on the manikin's too). If it's true that the average person is overweight in our country today than it means that the average cancer fighter is or was overweight as well. So here's today's good news for you hard core chemo-heads out there.
Sure you'll have nausea at times and even the smell of food may send you running head first to the porcelain throne. Of course there are going to be times that just getting out of bed will make your stomach feel like you just got off a roller coaster but there is a bright side. You, like I, will not have to worry about the curse of the fallen zipper. You don't need to stress over "sucking it in" to get those jeans on. Truth is you're biggest problem will be tightening down that belt another notch cuz those jeans you bought a year ago promising yourself that you would fit into that size again some day are now just a little too big.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself, how can he talk like this. Let me remind you that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. Since lemonade will make most caner fighters throw up I say when life injects you with chemo that makes you really sick go shopping and find an outfit you always thought wouldn't fit your body type!
The point is this. Find the bright side in every dark thing you're going through and Cheer Up you may getting nauseous lot more lately but you won't have to spend $22 a week plus food to Jenny Craig to shed those extra LBS!
The "open barn door" is a common occurrence on any playground so you wouldn't think this would be a life shattering moment for me. It probably wouldn't have been except that it was chronic issue in my young life. In order to understand where we're headed today you must first understand that I was kind of a chubby kid. Okay I'm kind of a chubby adult too and I'm good with that...now. My zipper was positionally challenged because my shorts were too small. My shorts were too small because my stomach was too big. My mom had been teaching me hold in my stomach but I hadn't quite mastered this intro to belly hiding technique.
So what does any of this have to do with cheering up? Weight is on everyone's mind all the time. We see what we're supposed to look like on TV, in magazines, and on the dummies that display the outfitses we want buy in the stores we shop at (The same outfits are on the manikin's too). If it's true that the average person is overweight in our country today than it means that the average cancer fighter is or was overweight as well. So here's today's good news for you hard core chemo-heads out there.
Sure you'll have nausea at times and even the smell of food may send you running head first to the porcelain throne. Of course there are going to be times that just getting out of bed will make your stomach feel like you just got off a roller coaster but there is a bright side. You, like I, will not have to worry about the curse of the fallen zipper. You don't need to stress over "sucking it in" to get those jeans on. Truth is you're biggest problem will be tightening down that belt another notch cuz those jeans you bought a year ago promising yourself that you would fit into that size again some day are now just a little too big.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself, how can he talk like this. Let me remind you that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. Since lemonade will make most caner fighters throw up I say when life injects you with chemo that makes you really sick go shopping and find an outfit you always thought wouldn't fit your body type!
The point is this. Find the bright side in every dark thing you're going through and Cheer Up you may getting nauseous lot more lately but you won't have to spend $22 a week plus food to Jenny Craig to shed those extra LBS!
#3 - Your Idiot Meter
"Hey I know you!" I heard shouted from across the quad as I made my way to school's front office to register for my jr. year of high school. I had been diagnosed with canceritus for about a month and was still going through testing to see how far progressed the cancer was. I was registering for school because we assumed at this point that treatment for my disease would be less invasive than most and I could carry on with life as usual. I still looked normal (as normal as teenager boy at sixteen can look) with the exception a bulging neck which I wasn't quite ready to admit wasn't just some amazing muscle tone developed from my vigorous workouts in the gym.
"Hey, wait up!" I heard again from the same voice who shouted before, only this time I realized whoever they were, they were talking to me. I turned to see a kid I didn't know running up to me. I don't remember much about what he looked like other than the fact that he seemed very excited to talk to me. There was an enthusiasm in his gait as he trotted up to me as if he were a puppy and I, his owner, had just gotten home from work with a treat. Okay that's dramatic but when I think of what happened next I realize this young man, like many you may encounter, was about as smart and socially aware as a pup.
I stopped to wait and when he finally made it to me he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. I remember thinking whatever he had to say must be pretty important. "I know you," he started, "you're that kid right?"
"What kid?" I answered.
"THAT kid.", he said again as if I had missed out on some major news story that had broke about some kid who had done something and apparently looked just like me.
"What are you talking about?" I asked again.
And here it comes. This was the moment that I realized having cancer provides you with a power that exposes more than the moles and dents on your scalp. This is when I realized facing this disease would not only make me stronger it would make me able to see things I had never seen before.
"You're that kid who's dying right!?"
It wasn't said with sympathy. More a sense of bewilderment and amazement, much like you expect the circus freaks for the 1800's felt as observers past their cage. He didn't know me but he knew what was going on. Apparently a lot of people did and they were talking about it. And here I thought I was just getting better looking. I can't say I blame the young man for his ignorance. It's not like I've never stopped and stared at a person who is obviously balding from cancer or someone who has a disability. The truth is we all have and do. Here's the two things I learned from this experience.
1. People get funny when faced with disease, disability, or difference. They're intent is not rudeness or malice, they just can't help but stare at the catheter protruding from your body. Let's be honest, you've stared at it a bit too. The good news is that you too were once and idiot but you've been blessed to have idiot meter installed along with that i.v. From now on you won't look upon others with awe or even pity. You get it. You understand more of what they're going through. You'll be able to empathize like never before because you too have been on the receiving end of the awkward looks and whispers.
2. If people are going to be funny about what's happening to me in life, than I'm going to have some fun with it. My response to this young man when he asked if I was the kid who was dying was "Yep that's me, can I borrow some money for lunch. It may be my last meal." And then I went off to register for school with a $5 bill in my pocket.
So cheer up. You've Got Cancer and now you're a bit better for it!
#2 - Get into your PJ's
I mentioned in my last post that I was diagnosed with the big "C" after my mom took me to the doctor because I had been so tired. Let me give you a small example of what I mean. I had come home from football practice one day and decided I need a nap. I asked my mom to get me up in time for dinner if I happened to still be asleep. This all took place at noon. Sure enough dinner time arrived and not even the smell of food could wake me from my slumber. My mom decided to let me sleep and I didn't come back from dreamland until 6:30pm. I ate a little something and went back to bed and didn't rise until 9:00am the next morning. I even missed that morning's football practice.
Now for many of us being tired is a part of life. We all work harder than we should, play later than we should, and sleep less than we should. So why should we cheer up when more exhaustion is added by this disease that our body spends 24 hours a day fighting against? Shouldn't this cause even more frustration and discouragement?
The answer is a resounding NO! Think about it. Up to this point it didn't matter how tired you were you couldn't stop to rest. Life didn't allow it. And don't forget that when you beat this crap (and you will beat this crap) and come out on the other side, life will have no problem keeping you up and running for more hours than there are in a day. Rest is not an option for the "healthy." And lack of rest is not an option for the cancer survivor.
This is your chance! This is your opportunity. Don't waste it trying to keep up. Today you have been given permission to do your part in fighting back. Let someone else do the dishes. Give someone else the chance to over achieve at work. This is your moment to rest! If your eyes are heavy then let them fall. Trust me the people around you aren't going to say a word. Who would ever question the person with cancer? So get ready....Get set...And go! Jump into your pj's!
The answer is a resounding NO! Think about it. Up to this point it didn't matter how tired you were you couldn't stop to rest. Life didn't allow it. And don't forget that when you beat this crap (and you will beat this crap) and come out on the other side, life will have no problem keeping you up and running for more hours than there are in a day. Rest is not an option for the "healthy." And lack of rest is not an option for the cancer survivor.
This is your chance! This is your opportunity. Don't waste it trying to keep up. Today you have been given permission to do your part in fighting back. Let someone else do the dishes. Give someone else the chance to over achieve at work. This is your moment to rest! If your eyes are heavy then let them fall. Trust me the people around you aren't going to say a word. Who would ever question the person with cancer? So get ready....Get set...And go! Jump into your pj's!
#1 - Everybody likes a little extra attention
I'll never forget the day I walked into what would become the first of thousands of doctor's appointments. I was sixteen and still seeing a pediatrician. We had decided to go because I had been so tired (#2 reason to cheer up coming soon). My mom took me in and we sat in the waiting room with three nursing mothers, a couple of crying babies, and toddlers fighting over who was gonna play with the wire kids toy loaded with rings (I won that fight by the way).
My mom and I were laughing at the fact that I was the oldest patient in the room. I was hoping for a sticker if I was good and she insisted that if I got scared I could sit on her lap. At that point we had no idea there was really anything to fear.
When we were finally called back to the exam room we realized something was up. A nurse came in to do the precursory screening that they always do. It so routine that she didn't even look at me when she first came in. She kept her eyes to her clip board as she rattled off question after question. Finally as she got ready to take my blood pressure she lifted her head and looked at me.
The nurse's mouth dropped open as if I had taken over the exam and asked her to say awe. Her hand raised like a women in a trance and with her index finger pointed at me she said, "You're here for your neck aren't you."
I hadn't mentioned this before. My neck was huge. I mean it was thick. 16 inches in diameter to be exact. The reason I didn't mention it is because I proud. Proud of the fact that I had been working out for football season that year and had been developing every muscle in my body. I figured the reason it was so large was because of my intense dedication and loyalty to my craft. Okay that's a little extreme. I worked out 1 hour three days a week but I was a teenager so you get the picture.
Without giving us a chance to answer, the nurse was out of the room to get a doctor. Within a minute she had him back in the room. After a little bit of poking he admitted he had never seen anything like this (I was so proud at what my workouts had accomplished). He called for another doctor who was also shocked. They called for the last doctor and within five minutes I had three doctors and a nurse talking about, looking at, and poking me and my neck.
Two things happened that day. First I was sent off to the main hospital for lots of tests. Boring. Secondly and most important, I realized the first reason to Cheer Up, you've got cancer.
Everybody wants a little attention and if you've got cancer you know this to be the case. You're gonna get it from everywhere. Don't shun it. Embrace it. Let the eyes fall upon you with amazement as you walk into the grocery store tubes sticking out from your shunt. Let them notice your shiny bald head as the sun blinds them while you walk down the beach. Mostly enjoy the fact that your doctor will finally stop looking at their clipboard and start listening to you and your questions. People everywhere want to be noticed and believe me, you will be.
My mom and I were laughing at the fact that I was the oldest patient in the room. I was hoping for a sticker if I was good and she insisted that if I got scared I could sit on her lap. At that point we had no idea there was really anything to fear.
When we were finally called back to the exam room we realized something was up. A nurse came in to do the precursory screening that they always do. It so routine that she didn't even look at me when she first came in. She kept her eyes to her clip board as she rattled off question after question. Finally as she got ready to take my blood pressure she lifted her head and looked at me.
The nurse's mouth dropped open as if I had taken over the exam and asked her to say awe. Her hand raised like a women in a trance and with her index finger pointed at me she said, "You're here for your neck aren't you."
I hadn't mentioned this before. My neck was huge. I mean it was thick. 16 inches in diameter to be exact. The reason I didn't mention it is because I proud. Proud of the fact that I had been working out for football season that year and had been developing every muscle in my body. I figured the reason it was so large was because of my intense dedication and loyalty to my craft. Okay that's a little extreme. I worked out 1 hour three days a week but I was a teenager so you get the picture.
Without giving us a chance to answer, the nurse was out of the room to get a doctor. Within a minute she had him back in the room. After a little bit of poking he admitted he had never seen anything like this (I was so proud at what my workouts had accomplished). He called for another doctor who was also shocked. They called for the last doctor and within five minutes I had three doctors and a nurse talking about, looking at, and poking me and my neck.Two things happened that day. First I was sent off to the main hospital for lots of tests. Boring. Secondly and most important, I realized the first reason to Cheer Up, you've got cancer.
Everybody wants a little attention and if you've got cancer you know this to be the case. You're gonna get it from everywhere. Don't shun it. Embrace it. Let the eyes fall upon you with amazement as you walk into the grocery store tubes sticking out from your shunt. Let them notice your shiny bald head as the sun blinds them while you walk down the beach. Mostly enjoy the fact that your doctor will finally stop looking at their clipboard and start listening to you and your questions. People everywhere want to be noticed and believe me, you will be.
Why This? Why Now?
I was 16 when I was diagnosed with cancer. My disease of choice was Hodgkins Lymphoma and I was in stage 3b. For those of you who are fighting cancer you know that this isn't the worst diagnosis you can get but it definitely isn't the best. My doctor gave me about 40% chance for remission and less for cure.
The question: It's been sixteen years and I'm just now talking about it?
The answer: I've been talking about my experience for the last sixteen years to lots of people. I've talked with students, adults, fellow cancer conquerors, and those who are supporting others in the middle of the battle. Over these years I've been told to write my experiences down and share them with others. I've sat down to do this many times only to walk away discouraged and doubtful that anyone would be interested, let alone benefit from the ramblings of an inexperienced writer like myself. But tonight something changed.
I'm discouraged from a new "cancer" in my life. No it's not physical and no it's not terminal but it's effecting me the way so many people are affected by life's emotional, physical, and spiritual ailments. I was lying on my couch needing something that would make me smile. Anything that could get my mind off of the crud my life's path is forcing me to wade through. I needed something that could give me that extra push to stay focused on my goals. Do you know what my mind went to? The picture that formed in my head caused my face to form a subtle but wonderful grin and instantly I felt better.
I was sixteen year's old and I was playing poker. No gambling isn't what makes me smile? I was playing poker and it was 2:00 in the morning. Again the answer is not that I get pumped by sneaking out late to illegal card halls. I was playing poker with the nurse that was on the night shift at the hospital I was staying in. She had come into my room to tell me that I had to get my rest and after a little charming from yours truly, she sat on the edge of my hospital bed and played an hour's worth of cards with me. We played and laughed and it was a blast! I'll talk more about why this moment was so important later in our journey together but for tonight this is what matters.
Thinking about cancer made me smile! It's not that I want to be sick (that would just be sick). But when I think of all that I experienced and the positives that came from that time in my life, I am reminded that I can conquer anything.
It was through my experience with cancer that I learned that some of the greatest moments in our life can actually come during the ost difficult circumstances. In fact there is so much good that comes from the bad that I believe that the "cancers" of life are, if we allow them to be, blessings. I know that there are thousands of survivors out there of cancer and other difficult circumstance that may feel like I did tonight. You just need a little positive perspective to help you push ahead. My goal is to give you just that.
If you're battling cancer or facing what seems like an insurmountable obstacle in your life I hope you'll stick around. You may be down but my aim is to put a smile on your face and remind you how good you've got it. If the saying is true that a "Merry hearts is good like a medicine," than what I say to you is "CHEER UP! YOU'VE GOT CANCER!"