This morning when I was getting ready for work I noticed something that took me back to the good ole days of Cancer Battles. What I a saw was not pleasant but it brought very pleasing memories. As I got out of the shower and started my usual routine of taking my thyroid pill (a lifelong reminder of my experience), brushing my teeth, deodorizing my body and all the rest I grabbed my hair gel and begin to put the style into my day. Inside tip for the ladies who are reading: When you see a guy who looks like he never does his hair and looks all messy and cool the truth is it probably took a good half and hour to perfect the mess.
The medicine cabinet was not quite closed from my pill popping and it did what medicine cabinets do. Slowly and with an ever so soft creeking sound it begin to open wider and wider. As it opened the mirror on the cabinet began to reflect the back side of my head which then let me see what people behind me must have seeing for months...A BALD SPOT! It's finally hit me. I'm losing the element more precious than gold or silver. I'm losing my hair for the second time in my life and not on my terms! At first I was so discouraged but then my mind flashed to the hallways of my high school. That's when the smile began to form.
Our school had a no headgear policy which simply meant that you could not wear hats. This head covering prohibition did not, however, apply to those of us who were losing our hair due to the toxins flowing through our body. The principal had made an exception for me which I used to my advantage. As my hair began to fall out of my head, rather than shaving it, I held on for as long as I could and began wearing hats to school to cover up the patches of baldness. Apparently one of the campus supervisors that students affectionately referred to as NARCS didn't get the memo on my special headgear privileges.
Before I continue you need to understand that the campus supervisor position was usually occupied by a jr. college student who was a former high school football star and missed being the big man on campus. They tended to have much to prove and would attempt to demonstrate their power by choosing random rules and enforcing punishment on any student that happened to cross their path. Unfortunately for this narc, I was the student of choice that particular day.
"Take that off." was the first thing I heard him say. I didn't realize he was talking to me. "I said take it off. You know headgear is not allowed here." When I heard that sentence I knew it was directed at me and my Stussy brand hat. Normally I would have simply introduced myself and explained my situation but his attitude was so rude that I took it upon myself to teach him the importance of manners.
"That rule doesn't apply to me." I responded a little smugly provoking the obvious attitude escalation and assertion of power that followed.
"You think you're above the rules huh," he replied, "you won't think so in study hall. (study hall was detention but during lunch hour) Now take off your hat and give it to me."
And there it was. His fatal flaw. Looking back I feel a bit sorry for the young man who had no idea what was coming but he wanted the hat so it was my job to give it to him.
I reached up with my right hand and remove my cap as if to comply with the great and powerful supervisor's wishes. As he placed his hand palm up for me to place my hat I pulled the switch-a-roo and with one swoop of my left hand I reached into my scalp grabbed for a chunk of hair which came out as if it were just laying there on top of my head but not attached, took my fist full of hair and sprinkled it lightly into his open palm. "That's my hat pass," I said, "I have cancer."
His eyes opened wide as his mind tried to grasp what he had just experienced. Without looking up he motioned for my friends and me to move on. Over the next two years I spent in high school we never had another interaction. Each and everytime he would see me his walkie-talkie would magically start calling to him and he would be off to stop campus crime somewhere other than my path.
For me this was the first in a long line of funny incidents involving hair and home infusion devices which I'll share later. My thought on the subject is that we work so hard to keep this insignificant stuff attached to us. Make up has to look right (ladies), hair needs to be just messed up enough (guys), and everything on the outside needs to fit into this perfect idea we have what it means to be normal. Here's what should matter. The fact that you're alive to experience hair loss is more important than the fact that you're losing hair off your head and all the other places (bet you non-cancer fighters never thought about the other places before did you).
You'll get new hair. In fact you can get new hair now. Any color or style you want can be ordered possibly paid for by your insurance. Enjoy the headgear pass. Find something funny to do when people notice your noggin. You have something to smile about cause you're living.
So cheer up you've got cancer. Certain rules don't apply to you today!
#6 - Hospital Happy Hour
This post is in honor of Debbie. You probably don't know my Debbie but I'll never forget here. Debbie was one of the first nurses I met in my chemoventure. She was also the love of my life for those five days I stayed on her floor. I'll never forget the day we met...
After a minor biopsy, that I'll share about at a different time, which allowed pathologists to diagnose the Hodgkins disease, the doctors spent six weeks running me through various diagnostic tests. Each one was meant to give them an idea of how far the cancer had progressed and each one has a funny story attached so I won't spend much time here today. The basic idea was that the more tests that came out clear the better. My romance with Debbie began after the final test, a staging laparotomy which turned into a splenectomy. This test landed me in the hospital for five days of young love. At least this is how I remember it.
The moment Nurse Debbie walked into my room I knew I had discovered the purpose for my diagnosis. Fate had brought us together. Sure I was sixteen and she was probably in her early thirties but like I told so many people that week, age was not a problem for the two of us. The other slight complication was the fact that Debbie was married but I was quick to encourage her and others in the room that day, including my very conservative grandparents, that her marriage was simply an obstacle that we would have to overcome.
What in the world am I talking about? You see that's the problem, I didn't know what I was saying either. Every time I opened my mouth whatever happened to be on my mind at that very moment came out. Whether it was hitting on a nurse, confessing to inappropriate behavior with my ex-girlfriends, or inquiring as to why the cast of Ringling Bros. Barnun & Bailey's Circus was in my room. I was blessed with the power of Demerol.
Demerol is a type of morphine and it's used to treat severe pain. The drug, however, does nothing to help with foot in mouth syndrome. In fact, it promotes that problem. I said a lot of things (so I've been told) that no one understood or cared to know about. And here's the key to today's lesson cheer: I enjoyed every minute of it.
Before I say anything more let stop to inform you that I have been a pastor for the last thirteen years of my life. I am in no way an advocate for drug use or abuse. I have never used illegal drugs nor do I condone it.
All that being said, if you're gonna go through this poking and prodding of every part of your body you might as well get something in return. There will be plenty of things that cause you discomfort and pain over this period of time so enjoy the happy stuff that makes the pain go away. When I think back to that five days in the hospital I don't think about the fact that I hurt so bad it took me thirty minutes to walk down the hallway or the ten foot tube they stuck down my nose into my stomach. I don't cringe at the thought of the catheter they inserted into you know where so I won't say it. I think of Debbie and the times we had together. The truth is I don't remember anything about how she looked but because of what my anesthesiologist called the hospital happy hour cocktails, I remember that we (or at least I) were in love and that's all that matters to me.
So Cheer Up You've Got Cancer now give that nurse your vein and enjoy the ride.
After a minor biopsy, that I'll share about at a different time, which allowed pathologists to diagnose the Hodgkins disease, the doctors spent six weeks running me through various diagnostic tests. Each one was meant to give them an idea of how far the cancer had progressed and each one has a funny story attached so I won't spend much time here today. The basic idea was that the more tests that came out clear the better. My romance with Debbie began after the final test, a staging laparotomy which turned into a splenectomy. This test landed me in the hospital for five days of young love. At least this is how I remember it.
The moment Nurse Debbie walked into my room I knew I had discovered the purpose for my diagnosis. Fate had brought us together. Sure I was sixteen and she was probably in her early thirties but like I told so many people that week, age was not a problem for the two of us. The other slight complication was the fact that Debbie was married but I was quick to encourage her and others in the room that day, including my very conservative grandparents, that her marriage was simply an obstacle that we would have to overcome.
What in the world am I talking about? You see that's the problem, I didn't know what I was saying either. Every time I opened my mouth whatever happened to be on my mind at that very moment came out. Whether it was hitting on a nurse, confessing to inappropriate behavior with my ex-girlfriends, or inquiring as to why the cast of Ringling Bros. Barnun & Bailey's Circus was in my room. I was blessed with the power of Demerol.
Demerol is a type of morphine and it's used to treat severe pain. The drug, however, does nothing to help with foot in mouth syndrome. In fact, it promotes that problem. I said a lot of things (so I've been told) that no one understood or cared to know about. And here's the key to today's lesson cheer: I enjoyed every minute of it.
Before I say anything more let stop to inform you that I have been a pastor for the last thirteen years of my life. I am in no way an advocate for drug use or abuse. I have never used illegal drugs nor do I condone it.
All that being said, if you're gonna go through this poking and prodding of every part of your body you might as well get something in return. There will be plenty of things that cause you discomfort and pain over this period of time so enjoy the happy stuff that makes the pain go away. When I think back to that five days in the hospital I don't think about the fact that I hurt so bad it took me thirty minutes to walk down the hallway or the ten foot tube they stuck down my nose into my stomach. I don't cringe at the thought of the catheter they inserted into you know where so I won't say it. I think of Debbie and the times we had together. The truth is I don't remember anything about how she looked but because of what my anesthesiologist called the hospital happy hour cocktails, I remember that we (or at least I) were in love and that's all that matters to me.
So Cheer Up You've Got Cancer now give that nurse your vein and enjoy the ride.
#5 - California Drivers
Early on in the diagnosis stage I was forced to go in for the dreaded bone marrow test. You know the test (and if you don't then you're lucky). It's the test where a needle the length of your arm with the diameter of a turkey baster gets shoved down into the back side of your hip, chips off a piece of your bone, and sucks out some marrow. Ever since this experience I wince when I watch the food network and someone talks about the succulent taste of a calf's marrow. Poor little cow. I do still love a good hamburger though. But I digress...
My family (made up of mom, dad, sister, and myself) were all headed to the doctor's office together. For a reason that I don't remember, we drove in two separate cars and I rode with my big sister. She's three years older than me and for most of our lives I looked up to her and wanted to be around her and her friends whenever I could. Not just because they were "older ladies" but because I thought my sister was the coolest. She, however, saw me for what I probably was, an annoying little brother. It wasn't until just before my fight with cancer began that we had started to become close and, as you conquerors of cancer will begin to learn, now that I faced the possibility of walking into the light a little sooner than we had all hoped, she had become my biggest cheerleader which she was qualified for as she was the cheer captain at her high school back in the day.
There was a lot of traffic that day as we drove from our house to Scripps pavilion, our hospital. My sister and I were talking and enjoying our drive together as much as anyone could knowing what was about to happen to precious bones in the next fifteen minutes. As we got closer to our exit from the main road into the parking lot of Scripps the traffic got a little heavier. My sister, sensing her need to get over two lanes to our exit, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, tightened her grip, leaned forward squinted her eyes as she began to figure out how she would weave through traffic and get us to our destination. We had gone from relaxing drive to a mission based objective in less than 30 seconds.
We were about one block from our exit when she saw what should have been an opening to our final lane. Like any good California driver, my sister put on her blinker and checked her mirrors and blind spot. Just as she was about to make her move the man in our desired lane that we would now in be front of decided he didn't want us there. He, like the other drivers in California, sped up just enough to keep us from getting in and stayed just slow enough that he wouldn't pass us or let us see his face. And then it happened. Our block came and we were not in left hand turn lane when it did. We arrived at the traffic light one lane shy of completing our mission all because some guy didn't want to lose the unspoken race to different locations. But it was more than that to my sister. This man had not just kept us from passing. For her he represented opposition to my life. He was trying to keep her brother from living (I wish I could say I were adding dramatics here) and she was going to let him know it!
Unfortunately for him, the traffic light was red and our cars were stopped on the line side by side. My older sis prepared for battle as she rolled down her window. She was so pumped that she didn't wait for it to open as she began to lay into the rude motorist. She also didn't recognize that his windows were not open.
"Do you realize we needed to turn here!?", she yelled. "My brother is dying and you're keeping him from getting the treatment he needs! It's because of people like you that this world is so jacked up!! Now were going to be late and it's all your fault. Look at him don't you see how sick my brother is!?"
I don't think the man ever heard a word but he got the message. His response was a simple one finger gesture as the light turned green and he drove off. We didn't miss our appointment. As a matter of fact we just pulled into the second entrance that was less than 1/2 a block after the first. But something significant happened that day.
My sister, who couldn't physically fight what was happening inside my body, was doing whatever she could to fight for my life. For her the battle was found by driving me to the hospital for a bone marrow test I didn't want to have. For others it was shaving their heads in my honor. And still for others it was allowing me to attend school just for the social aspect so that I could feel normal. Today you should cheer up knowing that you are not alone. People all over this world have got your back. No they don't feel what you're feeling and no they can't truthfully say they understand but they do want you to win.
That's why they walk marathons, wear ribbons, golf, pray, and even write blogs about cancer. It's their way of being a part of the battle with you.
Today you can cheer up because you're not alone in your fight. People you don't even know are fighting with you. So if someone cuts you off on the way to your next doctors appointment, write down their license number and let me know. I'll call my big sister and she'll do her part too.
My family (made up of mom, dad, sister, and myself) were all headed to the doctor's office together. For a reason that I don't remember, we drove in two separate cars and I rode with my big sister. She's three years older than me and for most of our lives I looked up to her and wanted to be around her and her friends whenever I could. Not just because they were "older ladies" but because I thought my sister was the coolest. She, however, saw me for what I probably was, an annoying little brother. It wasn't until just before my fight with cancer began that we had started to become close and, as you conquerors of cancer will begin to learn, now that I faced the possibility of walking into the light a little sooner than we had all hoped, she had become my biggest cheerleader which she was qualified for as she was the cheer captain at her high school back in the day.
There was a lot of traffic that day as we drove from our house to Scripps pavilion, our hospital. My sister and I were talking and enjoying our drive together as much as anyone could knowing what was about to happen to precious bones in the next fifteen minutes. As we got closer to our exit from the main road into the parking lot of Scripps the traffic got a little heavier. My sister, sensing her need to get over two lanes to our exit, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, tightened her grip, leaned forward squinted her eyes as she began to figure out how she would weave through traffic and get us to our destination. We had gone from relaxing drive to a mission based objective in less than 30 seconds.
We were about one block from our exit when she saw what should have been an opening to our final lane. Like any good California driver, my sister put on her blinker and checked her mirrors and blind spot. Just as she was about to make her move the man in our desired lane that we would now in be front of decided he didn't want us there. He, like the other drivers in California, sped up just enough to keep us from getting in and stayed just slow enough that he wouldn't pass us or let us see his face. And then it happened. Our block came and we were not in left hand turn lane when it did. We arrived at the traffic light one lane shy of completing our mission all because some guy didn't want to lose the unspoken race to different locations. But it was more than that to my sister. This man had not just kept us from passing. For her he represented opposition to my life. He was trying to keep her brother from living (I wish I could say I were adding dramatics here) and she was going to let him know it!
Unfortunately for him, the traffic light was red and our cars were stopped on the line side by side. My older sis prepared for battle as she rolled down her window. She was so pumped that she didn't wait for it to open as she began to lay into the rude motorist. She also didn't recognize that his windows were not open.
"Do you realize we needed to turn here!?", she yelled. "My brother is dying and you're keeping him from getting the treatment he needs! It's because of people like you that this world is so jacked up!! Now were going to be late and it's all your fault. Look at him don't you see how sick my brother is!?"
I don't think the man ever heard a word but he got the message. His response was a simple one finger gesture as the light turned green and he drove off. We didn't miss our appointment. As a matter of fact we just pulled into the second entrance that was less than 1/2 a block after the first. But something significant happened that day.
My sister, who couldn't physically fight what was happening inside my body, was doing whatever she could to fight for my life. For her the battle was found by driving me to the hospital for a bone marrow test I didn't want to have. For others it was shaving their heads in my honor. And still for others it was allowing me to attend school just for the social aspect so that I could feel normal. Today you should cheer up knowing that you are not alone. People all over this world have got your back. No they don't feel what you're feeling and no they can't truthfully say they understand but they do want you to win.
That's why they walk marathons, wear ribbons, golf, pray, and even write blogs about cancer. It's their way of being a part of the battle with you.
Today you can cheer up because you're not alone in your fight. People you don't even know are fighting with you. So if someone cuts you off on the way to your next doctors appointment, write down their license number and let me know. I'll call my big sister and she'll do her part too.
#4 - Who Needs Liposuction? I Got Adriamycin!
Let's start from the beginning. I'll never forget 3rd grade during recess while playing tether ball. I was in the middle of a smoking game and probably winning when suddenly no one seemed to be keeping score. Kids on every side of the circle were laughing and pointing. Where were they pointing? Everyone of their dirty little fingers was pointed straight at me. Why were they pointing? It wasn't because of my tether ball skills. While I was focused on winning my game, the zipper on my shorts was fighting a losing battle against the power of gravity.
The "open barn door" is a common occurrence on any playground so you wouldn't think this would be a life shattering moment for me. It probably wouldn't have been except that it was chronic issue in my young life. In order to understand where we're headed today you must first understand that I was kind of a chubby kid. Okay I'm kind of a chubby adult too and I'm good with that...now. My zipper was positionally challenged because my shorts were too small. My shorts were too small because my stomach was too big. My mom had been teaching me hold in my stomach but I hadn't quite mastered this intro to belly hiding technique.
So what does any of this have to do with cheering up? Weight is on everyone's mind all the time. We see what we're supposed to look like on TV, in magazines, and on the dummies that display the outfitses we want buy in the stores we shop at (The same outfits are on the manikin's too). If it's true that the average person is overweight in our country today than it means that the average cancer fighter is or was overweight as well. So here's today's good news for you hard core chemo-heads out there.
Sure you'll have nausea at times and even the smell of food may send you running head first to the porcelain throne. Of course there are going to be times that just getting out of bed will make your stomach feel like you just got off a roller coaster but there is a bright side. You, like I, will not have to worry about the curse of the fallen zipper. You don't need to stress over "sucking it in" to get those jeans on. Truth is you're biggest problem will be tightening down that belt another notch cuz those jeans you bought a year ago promising yourself that you would fit into that size again some day are now just a little too big.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself, how can he talk like this. Let me remind you that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. Since lemonade will make most caner fighters throw up I say when life injects you with chemo that makes you really sick go shopping and find an outfit you always thought wouldn't fit your body type!
The point is this. Find the bright side in every dark thing you're going through and Cheer Up you may getting nauseous lot more lately but you won't have to spend $22 a week plus food to Jenny Craig to shed those extra LBS!
The "open barn door" is a common occurrence on any playground so you wouldn't think this would be a life shattering moment for me. It probably wouldn't have been except that it was chronic issue in my young life. In order to understand where we're headed today you must first understand that I was kind of a chubby kid. Okay I'm kind of a chubby adult too and I'm good with that...now. My zipper was positionally challenged because my shorts were too small. My shorts were too small because my stomach was too big. My mom had been teaching me hold in my stomach but I hadn't quite mastered this intro to belly hiding technique.
So what does any of this have to do with cheering up? Weight is on everyone's mind all the time. We see what we're supposed to look like on TV, in magazines, and on the dummies that display the outfitses we want buy in the stores we shop at (The same outfits are on the manikin's too). If it's true that the average person is overweight in our country today than it means that the average cancer fighter is or was overweight as well. So here's today's good news for you hard core chemo-heads out there.
Sure you'll have nausea at times and even the smell of food may send you running head first to the porcelain throne. Of course there are going to be times that just getting out of bed will make your stomach feel like you just got off a roller coaster but there is a bright side. You, like I, will not have to worry about the curse of the fallen zipper. You don't need to stress over "sucking it in" to get those jeans on. Truth is you're biggest problem will be tightening down that belt another notch cuz those jeans you bought a year ago promising yourself that you would fit into that size again some day are now just a little too big.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself, how can he talk like this. Let me remind you that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. Since lemonade will make most caner fighters throw up I say when life injects you with chemo that makes you really sick go shopping and find an outfit you always thought wouldn't fit your body type!
The point is this. Find the bright side in every dark thing you're going through and Cheer Up you may getting nauseous lot more lately but you won't have to spend $22 a week plus food to Jenny Craig to shed those extra LBS!
#3 - Your Idiot Meter
"Hey I know you!" I heard shouted from across the quad as I made my way to school's front office to register for my jr. year of high school. I had been diagnosed with canceritus for about a month and was still going through testing to see how far progressed the cancer was. I was registering for school because we assumed at this point that treatment for my disease would be less invasive than most and I could carry on with life as usual. I still looked normal (as normal as teenager boy at sixteen can look) with the exception a bulging neck which I wasn't quite ready to admit wasn't just some amazing muscle tone developed from my vigorous workouts in the gym.
"Hey, wait up!" I heard again from the same voice who shouted before, only this time I realized whoever they were, they were talking to me. I turned to see a kid I didn't know running up to me. I don't remember much about what he looked like other than the fact that he seemed very excited to talk to me. There was an enthusiasm in his gait as he trotted up to me as if he were a puppy and I, his owner, had just gotten home from work with a treat. Okay that's dramatic but when I think of what happened next I realize this young man, like many you may encounter, was about as smart and socially aware as a pup.
I stopped to wait and when he finally made it to me he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. I remember thinking whatever he had to say must be pretty important. "I know you," he started, "you're that kid right?"
"What kid?" I answered.
"THAT kid.", he said again as if I had missed out on some major news story that had broke about some kid who had done something and apparently looked just like me.
"What are you talking about?" I asked again.
And here it comes. This was the moment that I realized having cancer provides you with a power that exposes more than the moles and dents on your scalp. This is when I realized facing this disease would not only make me stronger it would make me able to see things I had never seen before.
"You're that kid who's dying right!?"
It wasn't said with sympathy. More a sense of bewilderment and amazement, much like you expect the circus freaks for the 1800's felt as observers past their cage. He didn't know me but he knew what was going on. Apparently a lot of people did and they were talking about it. And here I thought I was just getting better looking. I can't say I blame the young man for his ignorance. It's not like I've never stopped and stared at a person who is obviously balding from cancer or someone who has a disability. The truth is we all have and do. Here's the two things I learned from this experience.
1. People get funny when faced with disease, disability, or difference. They're intent is not rudeness or malice, they just can't help but stare at the catheter protruding from your body. Let's be honest, you've stared at it a bit too. The good news is that you too were once and idiot but you've been blessed to have idiot meter installed along with that i.v. From now on you won't look upon others with awe or even pity. You get it. You understand more of what they're going through. You'll be able to empathize like never before because you too have been on the receiving end of the awkward looks and whispers.
2. If people are going to be funny about what's happening to me in life, than I'm going to have some fun with it. My response to this young man when he asked if I was the kid who was dying was "Yep that's me, can I borrow some money for lunch. It may be my last meal." And then I went off to register for school with a $5 bill in my pocket.
So cheer up. You've Got Cancer and now you're a bit better for it!
#2 - Get into your PJ's
I mentioned in my last post that I was diagnosed with the big "C" after my mom took me to the doctor because I had been so tired. Let me give you a small example of what I mean. I had come home from football practice one day and decided I need a nap. I asked my mom to get me up in time for dinner if I happened to still be asleep. This all took place at noon. Sure enough dinner time arrived and not even the smell of food could wake me from my slumber. My mom decided to let me sleep and I didn't come back from dreamland until 6:30pm. I ate a little something and went back to bed and didn't rise until 9:00am the next morning. I even missed that morning's football practice.
Now for many of us being tired is a part of life. We all work harder than we should, play later than we should, and sleep less than we should. So why should we cheer up when more exhaustion is added by this disease that our body spends 24 hours a day fighting against? Shouldn't this cause even more frustration and discouragement?
The answer is a resounding NO! Think about it. Up to this point it didn't matter how tired you were you couldn't stop to rest. Life didn't allow it. And don't forget that when you beat this crap (and you will beat this crap) and come out on the other side, life will have no problem keeping you up and running for more hours than there are in a day. Rest is not an option for the "healthy." And lack of rest is not an option for the cancer survivor.
This is your chance! This is your opportunity. Don't waste it trying to keep up. Today you have been given permission to do your part in fighting back. Let someone else do the dishes. Give someone else the chance to over achieve at work. This is your moment to rest! If your eyes are heavy then let them fall. Trust me the people around you aren't going to say a word. Who would ever question the person with cancer? So get ready....Get set...And go! Jump into your pj's!
The answer is a resounding NO! Think about it. Up to this point it didn't matter how tired you were you couldn't stop to rest. Life didn't allow it. And don't forget that when you beat this crap (and you will beat this crap) and come out on the other side, life will have no problem keeping you up and running for more hours than there are in a day. Rest is not an option for the "healthy." And lack of rest is not an option for the cancer survivor.
This is your chance! This is your opportunity. Don't waste it trying to keep up. Today you have been given permission to do your part in fighting back. Let someone else do the dishes. Give someone else the chance to over achieve at work. This is your moment to rest! If your eyes are heavy then let them fall. Trust me the people around you aren't going to say a word. Who would ever question the person with cancer? So get ready....Get set...And go! Jump into your pj's!
#1 - Everybody likes a little extra attention
I'll never forget the day I walked into what would become the first of thousands of doctor's appointments. I was sixteen and still seeing a pediatrician. We had decided to go because I had been so tired (#2 reason to cheer up coming soon). My mom took me in and we sat in the waiting room with three nursing mothers, a couple of crying babies, and toddlers fighting over who was gonna play with the wire kids toy loaded with rings (I won that fight by the way).
My mom and I were laughing at the fact that I was the oldest patient in the room. I was hoping for a sticker if I was good and she insisted that if I got scared I could sit on her lap. At that point we had no idea there was really anything to fear.
When we were finally called back to the exam room we realized something was up. A nurse came in to do the precursory screening that they always do. It so routine that she didn't even look at me when she first came in. She kept her eyes to her clip board as she rattled off question after question. Finally as she got ready to take my blood pressure she lifted her head and looked at me.
The nurse's mouth dropped open as if I had taken over the exam and asked her to say awe. Her hand raised like a women in a trance and with her index finger pointed at me she said, "You're here for your neck aren't you."
I hadn't mentioned this before. My neck was huge. I mean it was thick. 16 inches in diameter to be exact. The reason I didn't mention it is because I proud. Proud of the fact that I had been working out for football season that year and had been developing every muscle in my body. I figured the reason it was so large was because of my intense dedication and loyalty to my craft. Okay that's a little extreme. I worked out 1 hour three days a week but I was a teenager so you get the picture.
Without giving us a chance to answer, the nurse was out of the room to get a doctor. Within a minute she had him back in the room. After a little bit of poking he admitted he had never seen anything like this (I was so proud at what my workouts had accomplished). He called for another doctor who was also shocked. They called for the last doctor and within five minutes I had three doctors and a nurse talking about, looking at, and poking me and my neck.
Two things happened that day. First I was sent off to the main hospital for lots of tests. Boring. Secondly and most important, I realized the first reason to Cheer Up, you've got cancer.
Everybody wants a little attention and if you've got cancer you know this to be the case. You're gonna get it from everywhere. Don't shun it. Embrace it. Let the eyes fall upon you with amazement as you walk into the grocery store tubes sticking out from your shunt. Let them notice your shiny bald head as the sun blinds them while you walk down the beach. Mostly enjoy the fact that your doctor will finally stop looking at their clipboard and start listening to you and your questions. People everywhere want to be noticed and believe me, you will be.
My mom and I were laughing at the fact that I was the oldest patient in the room. I was hoping for a sticker if I was good and she insisted that if I got scared I could sit on her lap. At that point we had no idea there was really anything to fear.
When we were finally called back to the exam room we realized something was up. A nurse came in to do the precursory screening that they always do. It so routine that she didn't even look at me when she first came in. She kept her eyes to her clip board as she rattled off question after question. Finally as she got ready to take my blood pressure she lifted her head and looked at me.
The nurse's mouth dropped open as if I had taken over the exam and asked her to say awe. Her hand raised like a women in a trance and with her index finger pointed at me she said, "You're here for your neck aren't you."
I hadn't mentioned this before. My neck was huge. I mean it was thick. 16 inches in diameter to be exact. The reason I didn't mention it is because I proud. Proud of the fact that I had been working out for football season that year and had been developing every muscle in my body. I figured the reason it was so large was because of my intense dedication and loyalty to my craft. Okay that's a little extreme. I worked out 1 hour three days a week but I was a teenager so you get the picture.
Without giving us a chance to answer, the nurse was out of the room to get a doctor. Within a minute she had him back in the room. After a little bit of poking he admitted he had never seen anything like this (I was so proud at what my workouts had accomplished). He called for another doctor who was also shocked. They called for the last doctor and within five minutes I had three doctors and a nurse talking about, looking at, and poking me and my neck.Two things happened that day. First I was sent off to the main hospital for lots of tests. Boring. Secondly and most important, I realized the first reason to Cheer Up, you've got cancer.
Everybody wants a little attention and if you've got cancer you know this to be the case. You're gonna get it from everywhere. Don't shun it. Embrace it. Let the eyes fall upon you with amazement as you walk into the grocery store tubes sticking out from your shunt. Let them notice your shiny bald head as the sun blinds them while you walk down the beach. Mostly enjoy the fact that your doctor will finally stop looking at their clipboard and start listening to you and your questions. People everywhere want to be noticed and believe me, you will be.
Why This? Why Now?
I was 16 when I was diagnosed with cancer. My disease of choice was Hodgkins Lymphoma and I was in stage 3b. For those of you who are fighting cancer you know that this isn't the worst diagnosis you can get but it definitely isn't the best. My doctor gave me about 40% chance for remission and less for cure.
The question: It's been sixteen years and I'm just now talking about it?
The answer: I've been talking about my experience for the last sixteen years to lots of people. I've talked with students, adults, fellow cancer conquerors, and those who are supporting others in the middle of the battle. Over these years I've been told to write my experiences down and share them with others. I've sat down to do this many times only to walk away discouraged and doubtful that anyone would be interested, let alone benefit from the ramblings of an inexperienced writer like myself. But tonight something changed.
I'm discouraged from a new "cancer" in my life. No it's not physical and no it's not terminal but it's effecting me the way so many people are affected by life's emotional, physical, and spiritual ailments. I was lying on my couch needing something that would make me smile. Anything that could get my mind off of the crud my life's path is forcing me to wade through. I needed something that could give me that extra push to stay focused on my goals. Do you know what my mind went to? The picture that formed in my head caused my face to form a subtle but wonderful grin and instantly I felt better.
I was sixteen year's old and I was playing poker. No gambling isn't what makes me smile? I was playing poker and it was 2:00 in the morning. Again the answer is not that I get pumped by sneaking out late to illegal card halls. I was playing poker with the nurse that was on the night shift at the hospital I was staying in. She had come into my room to tell me that I had to get my rest and after a little charming from yours truly, she sat on the edge of my hospital bed and played an hour's worth of cards with me. We played and laughed and it was a blast! I'll talk more about why this moment was so important later in our journey together but for tonight this is what matters.
Thinking about cancer made me smile! It's not that I want to be sick (that would just be sick). But when I think of all that I experienced and the positives that came from that time in my life, I am reminded that I can conquer anything.
It was through my experience with cancer that I learned that some of the greatest moments in our life can actually come during the ost difficult circumstances. In fact there is so much good that comes from the bad that I believe that the "cancers" of life are, if we allow them to be, blessings. I know that there are thousands of survivors out there of cancer and other difficult circumstance that may feel like I did tonight. You just need a little positive perspective to help you push ahead. My goal is to give you just that.
If you're battling cancer or facing what seems like an insurmountable obstacle in your life I hope you'll stick around. You may be down but my aim is to put a smile on your face and remind you how good you've got it. If the saying is true that a "Merry hearts is good like a medicine," than what I say to you is "CHEER UP! YOU'VE GOT CANCER!"